Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”