[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.