Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.