I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!