“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*watches the world burn*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
liiiiiiiiike
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car