“A little help here, Danny?”
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Grandmother clock.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Has science gone too far?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude