Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”