When does CPR become necrophilia?
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.