*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Good news
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.