2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.