It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
…u ok Nintendo?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff