Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*offers Batman cough drops*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Children of the corn 🌽
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.