In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?