Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Nice try Hitler
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
so weird how every mom was born today
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?