Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]