wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.