Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
beware of dog
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.