Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.