“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you