Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry