I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Blew out my flip flop…
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard