Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.