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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Trying
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.