7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister