9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.