CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“you recording!?”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now