*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Something Saturday.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…