Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats