Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them