My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.