There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Happy weekend !
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.