My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me when i see my girls butt
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.