I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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Phones down.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
lumberjacks will cut a birch
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
just got my engagement photos
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
some Old Testament wisdom
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk