3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
cry laughing at this shit
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Noah