I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso