Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.