Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
You Might Also Like
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.