Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity