ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Here’s a meme
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*