I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I am never leaving this website
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
buying dead houseplants to save time
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.