Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
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some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.