teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
this article brought to you by lions
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth