Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”