For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?