UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
So inspired right now.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.