Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
how high up are we talkin’?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving