In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Wait a second…
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you