Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant