please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.