*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.